Anyhow, when I first started reading this book, I got all excited because I thought perhaps she wrote Chapter 2 for me. I'll be honest, I got this information from the fact that she made mention that she was watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in 1988 (p33, 37) and we all know that is my Big Claim to Fame, and I'm quite certain she saw me and stared at the TV and thought, "someday I will write a chapter in my book for that girl". Actually, I enjoyed Chapter 2 so much because she talks about Leah and Rachel and I just love that story. I always loved it because of Rachel, with her son Benjamin and Joseph (Our Boy Name, had Carly been a Boy). Jacob's love for her... and how he waited for her. I never really thought much about Leah. And how God blessed her. So, good chapter. (*Side story, Ben is NOT named after this Benjamin. But Benjamin Sisko. Captain of Deep Space 9, Star Trek. Yes. Fictional Person. Yes, I was tricked into that.*)
Anyways. Turns out, Chapter 2 wasn't really mine. But hands down, Chapter 8 is. Story of Jonah. Another piece of Bible Lore I have passed over after graduating from childhood Sunday School classes. But today? I guess it's where I am at.
I've been crazy struggling lately. I'd like to say it's since my best friend got diagnosed with breast cancer and my friends got laid off from work. But actually, it's been since before that. I guess I've just seen so much suffering lately of people close to me. My own emotions are raw from perceived hurt feelings for months. And seriously? The weeks I spent on my couch this past summer, I could feel myself slipping down into a tunnel of ambivalence and numbness. The sad reality is I knew it was happening, and I just got really comfortable in it. At a time in my life when I thought I would have clung to God more, I chose ambivalence.
So now. While I pray desperately to God for healing and comfort for Debbie, for jobs for my friends, for duct tape for my fractured heart.... what I think I hear, is silence.
And Jonah. I'm so surprised to find what I needed today in this story. I would have thought it would have been Job, or David. Perhaps Moses. But no. Jonah.
But the Lord provided a great fish to swallow Jonah,
and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights
Jonah 1:17
and here's where I let my friend Angie take over... (p 142)
He provided the fish.
Not to harm Jonah, but to rescue him.
He knew Jonah's heart, so He did something drastic, something epic, something that to the naked eye looks like a tragedy, and He used it for His glory.
And Jonah's response...
So I said, I have been expelled from Your sight.
Nevertheless I will look again toward Your holy temple.
Jonah 2:4
I want to live the "nevertheless" life, don't you?
Many times in my life I have seen an obstacle as the enemy, but looking back now I see it was an appointed mercy.
I believe firmly that God ordains everything. But, I am for sure one of those people who sit back and say, "REALLY?? You thought THAT was a good idea??" you know, words I say to the Most High God. Yes, I'm an idiot like that. Small wonder I can even draw breath. Rather than Back Talking (exactly what we lecture Ben and Carly about, ironically enough!), I need to embrace His Plan. Which sounds good on paper (um, computer), but in practice is more difficult.
So, it would seem I do have a New Years Resolution, after all. I was trying to avoid one this year. But it seems I need to work to be a Nevertheless person. Pushing my "control" aside, accepting His. More than that, I need to understand that what I think is His silence, is Him gently saying, "I've got a Better Plan. Just wait."
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